Just popping by .......

Wow, I've not been on this blog for a long, long time, not sure why I've popped back but I've been feeling increasingly drawn to it.  A lot has changed since I've been away, I've moved house twice, now have a beautiful house in a different part of the country, I've a new job, but most importantly I've been Prozac free for about 2 years.

In the last few years it's been interesting who I have and haven't told about my depression.  Where I lived previously, I told quite a few friends about my depression, none of them thought any worse of me and in many ways it was very cathartic, we shared a lot and they talked through issues they were going through.   But since I've moved it's all gone back into the cupboard again.   No-one here knows anything about my history here, I'm strong, I'm invincible, I'm having it all.  I've learnt some lessons, I don't work all hours god sends, I try to spend time with my daughter and I think I can spot the warning signs again, but it would be nice not to pretend sometime.

I'll try and come back more often, maybe I'll come back and be the real me here more often.

A physical mess

Well, a while ago I posted about getting fit and healthy.  It's not gone well, I've gained weight, I'm unfit and I can't stop eating.  I just want comfort food.  Some weeks I do well, I don't eat too much and I lay off the wine.  But this week, like some other weeks, I'm eating lots of chocolates, biscuits and having a couple of glasses of wine in the evening and I don't get round to doing any exercise.  I am a waste of space, I'm turning into one big fat blob.   I lack will power, I'm my own worse enemy.

I've done so many different options, I'm currently signed up for Weightwatchers, am thinking about doing various different NLP type treatments.  If weight loss was linked to the amount you spend on the problem I would look like Kate Moss.  What the hell do I do to get out of this?

Embarassing illnesses

I really love the "time to talk" campaign, but I still find it really tough to do.  I find it very hard to admit to people I have depression.  It's a sign of weakness, and I don't do weakness in public.   But interesting things have been happening recently.  A couple of my friends mentioned that they were finding things tough, I told them about the depression.  Two things happened that I wasn't expecting, firstly I'd always suspected that they secretly knew what was going on, but just didn't want to say anything.  Turns out they were genuinely surprised, they just thought I was coping with everything.  Secondly me admitting my weaknesses seemed to be a catalyst for everyone else admitting they weren't coping.  They became better friends as a result.  I probably wasn't ready to share with them when I was at rock bottom, but sharing when I was on the way back up turned out to be a good thing.

But I'm not going to go mad on this sharing thing, I did a management course at work, and the one adjective everyone kept using about me was confident.  That wasn't expected, looks like the mask is still working when I need it.

Prozac dreams

The side effects of Prozac have been interesting, the most startling one is the dreams.  Does anyone else have Prozac dreams?  They are very vivid, very intricate and I wake up shattered. 

I'm sure dreams mean things, but no idea what mine mean.  They all seem to involve travelling, planes, trains and automobiles, but I never get where I'm going.  One of the big problems, is that I wake up shattered, I'm exhausted before the day has started.  I'm already halving my dose of prozac and the dreams haven't subsided.  Anyone know how long it will be before they disappear?

Seeing depression in others

I'm feeling a lot better now.  I'm stronger, happier and looking foward to the future.

But now I'm struggling to support others with depression, and in the worst possible scenario, when they won't admit it.  It is always dangerous to try and diagnose it in others, I worry that I'm projecting. However, when I can see others exhibiting the same behaviours that I did, then I worry.  I can see someone who is lethargic, eating too much, drinking too much, no interest in the people around them and their self confidence has disappeared.  I've tried being supportive, I've tried being sympathetic, but it's not worked.   I could try tough love, but it feels like a dangerous strategy.  I don't want to see what rock bottom looks like, it scares me.

I'm also getting angry, I put so much work and effort into getting better, I got help, I took tablets, I went to counselling.  I'm starting to feel that if they won't do that, then it's being selfish, they don't care enough about me to take the same actions. 

Any bright ideas on what to do for the best?

What is a good mother?

I'm continually wondering if I'm a good mum, and I guess a lot of mothers do.  Today I heard some very sad news that a friend of a friend's little girl died in accident, she was 4.  It's so sad and gets you thinking.  I love my daughter more than life itself, and I want to make sure she knows it.  At the same time I don't want her to be spoilt, but it's hard to find the balance.  Then at the same time, I want to make her happy, but I get few up, tired, resentful of the constant demands.

I'm trying to teach my daughter that if she needs a drink, she won't always get it immediately, as I might be busy.  If she hasn't eaten her tea, she doesn't get a biscuit.  When it's down to me, I'm good at keeping things under control, what is harder is when I need her to do things.  Getting dressed, brushing teeth can be a battle.  I don't want to be the bossy mum, I want to be the fun mum.  I want her memories of me to good, but then I don't want her to be spoilt, demanding and not have unreasonable expectations of what life will deliver. 

Help, how do I make motherhood any easier?

Goodbye to the terrible twos and the evil 11

I guess this is the time to reflect on the last year.  It was a fairly rubbish year, the highlights being

• sitting in my GP's surgery waiting for her to say I told you so when I told her I was depressed;
• Lying in on my daugher's bedroom floor waiting for her to go to sleep, sobbing because I knew I was going to be working beyond midnight and up again at 5.30
• being signed off with depression and that feeling i was letting everyone down.

But there have been highlights

• my daughter is amazing, wonderful, frustrating, beautifully illogical and very funny, she makes me laugh like no-one else.  She grows and develops everyday, we have proper conversations, but she does have a lively conversation, so you never quite know what's true.   I'm not sure she and her best friend went into space while at nursery.
• I've made some good friends, somehow, through this mess I've made friends, some on twitter and some in real life, I like having friends and never seem to have many.
• I've worked out what's important and what's not, I don't always stick by it, but I'm more concious of it.

Obviously I've made the usual new year's resolutions about eating less and exercising more, but the other ones are:

• Be more open with people
• Be yourself, don't try to be what you think other people want you to be
• Do what you enjoy sometime.

Wonder how I will get on