Just popping by .......

Wow, I've not been on this blog for a long, long time, not sure why I've popped back but I've been feeling increasingly drawn to it.  A lot has changed since I've been away, I've moved house twice, now have a beautiful house in a different part of the country, I've a new job, but most importantly I've been Prozac free for about 2 years.

In the last few years it's been interesting who I have and haven't told about my depression.  Where I lived previously, I told quite a few friends about my depression, none of them thought any worse of me and in many ways it was very cathartic, we shared a lot and they talked through issues they were going through.   But since I've moved it's all gone back into the cupboard again.   No-one here knows anything about my history here, I'm strong, I'm invincible, I'm having it all.  I've learnt some lessons, I don't work all hours god sends, I try to spend time with my daughter and I think I can spot the warning signs again, but it would be nice not to pretend sometime.

I'll try and come back more often, maybe I'll come back and be the real me here more often.

A physical mess

Well, a while ago I posted about getting fit and healthy.  It's not gone well, I've gained weight, I'm unfit and I can't stop eating.  I just want comfort food.  Some weeks I do well, I don't eat too much and I lay off the wine.  But this week, like some other weeks, I'm eating lots of chocolates, biscuits and having a couple of glasses of wine in the evening and I don't get round to doing any exercise.  I am a waste of space, I'm turning into one big fat blob.   I lack will power, I'm my own worse enemy.

I've done so many different options, I'm currently signed up for Weightwatchers, am thinking about doing various different NLP type treatments.  If weight loss was linked to the amount you spend on the problem I would look like Kate Moss.  What the hell do I do to get out of this?

Embarassing illnesses

I really love the "time to talk" campaign, but I still find it really tough to do.  I find it very hard to admit to people I have depression.  It's a sign of weakness, and I don't do weakness in public.   But interesting things have been happening recently.  A couple of my friends mentioned that they were finding things tough, I told them about the depression.  Two things happened that I wasn't expecting, firstly I'd always suspected that they secretly knew what was going on, but just didn't want to say anything.  Turns out they were genuinely surprised, they just thought I was coping with everything.  Secondly me admitting my weaknesses seemed to be a catalyst for everyone else admitting they weren't coping.  They became better friends as a result.  I probably wasn't ready to share with them when I was at rock bottom, but sharing when I was on the way back up turned out to be a good thing.

But I'm not going to go mad on this sharing thing, I did a management course at work, and the one adjective everyone kept using about me was confident.  That wasn't expected, looks like the mask is still working when I need it.

Prozac dreams

The side effects of Prozac have been interesting, the most startling one is the dreams.  Does anyone else have Prozac dreams?  They are very vivid, very intricate and I wake up shattered. 

I'm sure dreams mean things, but no idea what mine mean.  They all seem to involve travelling, planes, trains and automobiles, but I never get where I'm going.  One of the big problems, is that I wake up shattered, I'm exhausted before the day has started.  I'm already halving my dose of prozac and the dreams haven't subsided.  Anyone know how long it will be before they disappear?

Seeing depression in others

I'm feeling a lot better now.  I'm stronger, happier and looking foward to the future.

But now I'm struggling to support others with depression, and in the worst possible scenario, when they won't admit it.  It is always dangerous to try and diagnose it in others, I worry that I'm projecting. However, when I can see others exhibiting the same behaviours that I did, then I worry.  I can see someone who is lethargic, eating too much, drinking too much, no interest in the people around them and their self confidence has disappeared.  I've tried being supportive, I've tried being sympathetic, but it's not worked.   I could try tough love, but it feels like a dangerous strategy.  I don't want to see what rock bottom looks like, it scares me.

I'm also getting angry, I put so much work and effort into getting better, I got help, I took tablets, I went to counselling.  I'm starting to feel that if they won't do that, then it's being selfish, they don't care enough about me to take the same actions. 

Any bright ideas on what to do for the best?

Goodbye to the terrible twos and the evil 11

I guess this is the time to reflect on the last year.  It was a fairly rubbish year, the highlights being

• sitting in my GP's surgery waiting for her to say I told you so when I told her I was depressed;
• Lying in on my daugher's bedroom floor waiting for her to go to sleep, sobbing because I knew I was going to be working beyond midnight and up again at 5.30
• being signed off with depression and that feeling i was letting everyone down.

But there have been highlights

• my daughter is amazing, wonderful, frustrating, beautifully illogical and very funny, she makes me laugh like no-one else.  She grows and develops everyday, we have proper conversations, but she does have a lively conversation, so you never quite know what's true.   I'm not sure she and her best friend went into space while at nursery.
• I've made some good friends, somehow, through this mess I've made friends, some on twitter and some in real life, I like having friends and never seem to have many.
• I've worked out what's important and what's not, I don't always stick by it, but I'm more concious of it.

Obviously I've made the usual new year's resolutions about eating less and exercising more, but the other ones are:

• Be more open with people
• Be yourself, don't try to be what you think other people want you to be
• Do what you enjoy sometime.

Wonder how I will get on

Judge, jury and executioner

I never used to think I was a judgmental person.  I like to think I’m a nice, liberal, open-minded, Guardian reader.  But I worry continually that people are judging me, they judge me on my weight, on my hair, clothes, what I say, how I sit, what car I drive…………………  Do I think they are judging me because I am judging them?

Mostly I worry that people think I’m stupid and useless.   I’m pretty convinced that that because I’m fat, people automatically think I’m stupid and lazy.   If I’m dressed badly then I’m lazy and slovenly.  Everyone on the tube judges me, everyone at work judges me, my clients judge me.   Or at least I think they do.

But talking this through I might not be being completely rational.  I don’t judge everyone like this.  I’ll be honest, I make some snap judgments, but even when I do I’ve forgotten about them moments later and they are of no consequence.   Therefore maybe not everyone is judging me, they’ve probably got better things to think about.   People may not equate fat with stupid, badly dressed may not equal lay and if I’m really looking on the bright side, I may not even be badly dressed anyway.

I need to stop worrying about what other people think of me, and start focussing on what is more important and what I want to do.  But that can be easier said than done.

What does success look like?

I deal with a lot of projects at work, as well as running them, I have to challenge those that other people are running.  One of my key questions is always "what does success look like? how will you know when you have achieved what you set out to do?"

So being logical, I'm asking myself how I will know when I'm feeling better, and more importantly what am I going to do to enjoy it.    During my visits to my GP I've had to answer a depression questionnaire in order to diagnose the severity of my depression, if anyone reading this thinks it could help them, here is a link to it on NHS direct.     http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/depression/Pages/Introduction.aspx  The first time I did the questionnaire with the GP I was diagnosed as severely depressed.

So now I'm trying to write a questionnaire for what good looks like, based.  Like the depression questionnaire it is based on how you have been feeling in the last two weeks, and the answers should selected from:
 - no, not at all
 - on some days
 - on more than half the days
 - nearly every day.

I should highlight at this point, this is entirely made up by me.   It has no basis in science, but I find it useful.

1) have you laughed several times a day?

2) have you found yourself feeling content, satisfied or happy?

3) Do you feel well rested and not drained of energy

4) are you able to sleep through the night and wake up in the morning?

5)  do you look forward to what the day to come might bring?

6) do you enjoy spending time with friends and family?

7)  Do you get enjoyment out of watching a film, reading a book or other hobbies you used to enjoy?

8) Can you hold and enjoy a normal conversation?

9) Are you able to treat yourself and enjoy it?

I'm not sure what score denotes success, I'm still working on the MI.  But it helps, if I can answer positively to some of these then I'm heading in the right direction.

And the award for best actress goes to..............

I’d like to apologise for all the typos in my other blogs, I really should proof read better.   I am trying now. 

I feel I should admit to a few things, firstly Maggie isn’t my real name.  I’m using a pseudonym so I can actually be a little more honest.   It’s not a completely made up name, it’s like when you have to make up your porn name (pet’s name and street where you grew up) or your royal wedding guest name (grandparent’s first name road where you grew up “hyphen” road where you live now), so anyway I’ve found my blogging name.  This is also part of what I want to talk about.  I often feel like I’m really an observer in my own life, in particularly my professional life.

It can seem like I’m pretending when I’m working.  I can’t quite believe I know what I’m talking about, even more I never quite believe that people listen to me and take me seriously.  They value my opinion and want to know what I have to say.   I feel like I am acting a lot of the time.   It’s not real, the real me is a scruffy 13 year old, with a bad haircut scared to say boo to a goose, not wearing a suit in a shiny office with a skyline view of London.  

The only time I feel real is when I’m at home with my husband and daughter.  Getting a cuddle from either of them is real, talking to them is real, that is who I am.  Even if I’m not domesticated, which I’m not, I like who I am at home with my family.  I can be myself, my daughter and husband see the real me.  They see me happy, sad, insecure, being silly, whatever the mood takes.  

I feel like I can’t be both people, I can’t be the silly mummy and the professional business woman.  Then my counsellor said something interesting, if I’m that good an actress, that for 15 years people have taken me seriously professionally and valued my opinion, then maybe I’m in the wrong career.  Maybe I should be treading the boards in the West End, I must be an incredible actress if I can take people in so convincingly for so long.   Perhaps there is another reason why people listen to me, and it’s not because I’m good at faking it, maybe I do know what I’m doing.   Do I have to choose to be one thing or another?  Is it all or nothing?    It might be possible to be both, I don’t know, I’ll give it a shot.

Fat bird running

First thing I want to clarify is that when I talked about libido earlier, I talked about being ambivalent.  I just want to clarify it is the "personal relationships" that I am ambivalent about, rather than the marriage, which I am still quite keen on.  Just wanted to clarify that :)

I have big issues with my weight, to reassure you I'm not one of those thin people going "oh no look at my cellulite", where they've just accidentally just leant on a piece of orange peel.  I'm 5'6, weight 12 stone 8 lbs (176 lbs), BMI of around 30, and since pregnancy I carry a lot of around my tummy.  Put it this way, I still get offered a seat on the tube quite regularly.  I would like to be thinner, not Kate Moss thin, maybe not even Kate Middleton thin, Kate Winslet thin would do me.  I want to be able to wear nicer clothes.  But most importantly, when people look at me I want their first impression to be "she looks nice", not "she looks fat/ messy/ scruffy."   I have significant issues worrying about people think of me, and in particular the first impressions they get from my physical appearance.  I believe that people see me as fat/ scruffy/ messy and read this through to mean I am lazy/ stupid/ worthless.   I assume they see Waynetta Slob and think of me in that way.  Therefore I have to work harder, prove myself more, be cleverer, be more valuable to prove that being fat doesn't limit me.

There is a simple reason why I am not thin, I eat too much.  I eat too much of the wrong thing; crisps, chocolate, cake, Chinese, curry, chips, and then there's the evening glass of wine.  So why do I eat?  The reasons are numerous, I eat when I'm bored, I eat when I'm happy, I eat when I'm happy, I eat to reward myself when things are going well, I eat to reward myself when things are going badly.   You probably get the impression now, I like eating.  But actually I don't, it makes me feel good for a new moments while I am eating, but then I feel guilty and I feel fat and I feel a lot worse for a lot longer.  

The only thing I am finding I do enjoy is exercise, I enjoy it when I do it, but getting off my arse to do it is always a struggle.  It's always easier to sit on the sofa, watch telly and eat another biscuit.  But I am starting to do some exercise, I always feel better for doing it, the fresh air and alone time do do me some good.   It's nice to feel like I'm doing something positive, although I do manage to add a little layer of guilt on it.  I feel bad that buying going out to do exercise, I'm not spending time with my daughter.   I should feel like I am being a good role model, but I always find new and interesting ways to feel guilty.

So here today I want to make my commitment, I want to lose weight, I want to reach 10 and a half stone (147 pounds) by the end of the year, and I want to be able to run 5km in under 35 minutes by the end of September.  Let's see how I get on.

Parenthood, working parenthood and depression - guiltier than the guilty

I was planning to blog about parenthood as well as depression, so I really ought to mention parenthood, as well as the endless ramblings about depression.

First a bit of background, my daughter is 2 and a bit.  She is beautiful, I love her more than I have ever loved anyone or anything in my life, she amazes me, enthrals me and at times frustrates me.  I love seeing her learn new things, she is like a sponge, she picks up everything so quickly (especially the things you hope she hadn't heard).  And she has her opinions on things, today's was that Mummy isn't very good at jumping, and I'll be fair she has a point.

The one thing I don't think I expected in parenthood is the guilt.  It's endless, am I good mum?  Am i giving her the right things to eat?  Do I give her enough attention?  Am I smothering her?   Is she spoilt?  Is she neglected?   I think most parents must worry if they are doing things right, if you have depression then it is amplified.  Depression makes you feel like you do the simplest things badly, whether it is making a cup of tea or ringing the doctor to make an appointment.  Now imagine how you dealing with something that everyone feels they are doing badly anyway.  I want to do the best for her, but just feel I am incapable of it.  Then I worry I over compensate and give her too many treats, buy her too many toys and let her watch too much TV.

Just to add another layer of guilt I am a working mum, I work full time in insurance in the City.   I enjoy my job, I have been ambitious and I have been relatively successful.  I have a good degree, until I became a mum, my personal worth and success was very closely linked to professional success (and clearly that has gone wrong and lead to previous Prozac episodes).  Suddenly the guilt increases exponentially.   Not only am I letting my daughter down, being a selfish, self obsessed working mother who only cares about her career and palms her daughter off to strangers to look after (yes I know how the Daily Mail would describe me).   But I also feel like a bad employee, I can't work late, I need to get home to sort out childcare, I can't always come in early.  Some days I am tired in daughter has had a bad night (somehow I never felt that guilty when I was tired because I had been out partying 'til late).   I feel guilty because I can't dedicate myself to work as much as I used to.  To make up for it I have to put my daughter in front of Peppa Pig so I can talk to clients on the phone (hence the TV guilt).  And once my daughter is in bed, out comes the laptop so I can carry on working til midnight, before being up again at 530 to get the early train into work again.   That is when I get a few minutes to myself to sit there working as tears roll down my face, because that day I've let down my daughter, not spending enough time with her, let down my colleagues, because I'm not pulling my weight at work, and letting down everyone else in my life because I have no time at all for them. 

I hate it when people say to me "I don't know you do it", I'll tell you how I do it, I'm knackered, unhappy, unfit, overweight and on Prozac.  But that's me, the big success story.

Prozac - the feel normal again drug

The first thing I need to say is that I am not a doctor or a pharmacist, so I what say is personal experience and has no basis in science, so don't take it as advice.

This is the second time I've been on prozac, or as I'm in the UK and on the NHS I'm on the generic fluoxetine.  The wiki details are below.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fluoxetine

I was very nervous the first time the doctor recommended fluoxetine, I had lots of preconceptions about it being addictive and having sedative side effects.  I have to be honest the first time I took it I didn't really notice the side effects as I felt so down and I wasn't working.   This time round I have really felt the side effects.  First the negative ones:
 - shakes - my hands really started to tremble, I remember being in a really important meeting and having to sit on my hands as they were shaking so much.
 - head fog - while the head fog was bad with depression, it was worse with the tablets, I really did lost the ability to concentrate for a few weeks
 - loss of libido  - but personal this one, but I have lost all interest in "personal relations", doesn't really help the marriage, but I am completely ambivalent about it

The one upside
 - loss of appetite - I lost 3lbs the first week I was on fluoxetine, it was fab,

The one thing I have to say is that none of the side effects last forever, I don't think I really have any now, maybe apart from the libido thing (and I do miss that a bit).

Many people describe anti-depressants as happy pills, they really aren't. I would describe them as "feel normal again pills", feeling happy is a whole different ball game.  What they do allow you to do is start to deal with normal life again.  They've allowed me to make decisions what to eat in restaurants, to be able to do my job (and do it well), to be able to believe I'm not rubbish at every turn.  I don't cry every evening after I've put my daughter to bed because i feel like I've let everyone in my life down.   They bring me up to a level or normality so I can cope with day to day life.

The last thing I should add is that in relation my concerns, after the inital side effect pase, which is fairly rubbish, the pills have not been addictive, and they have not dulled my senses.   They have helped me get my life back, I can feel the old me emerging from the fog, although sometimes the fog gets a little thicker and I disappear again.

Depression - what does it feel like

Haven't posted for a little while, what with Easter, royal weddings and endless bank holidays.  But I'm back now and will have lots of time to blog going forward.   I'm not sure if anyone will read it, but it's quite theraputic just writing.

It's really hard for people who don't have depression to understand what it feels like.  The word depressed is overused, so it is understandable that people don't differentiate between that and true clinical depression.

I should probably add the caveat that depression feels different for everyone, so if you also suffer from depression you'll be sat there saying that's not right.  This is my experience of depression, it might help someone understand, even if you think "stop whinging woman" it's a start and means someone has read it!

Depression feels like a head fog, it feels like someone has put cotton wool around your brain and dulls all your senses.   You slow down, reactions are slower, both physically and mentally.   At the worst I've had to stop driving because I didn't feel safe and that I couldn't react quickly enough if there was an issue.  This is also a hinderance at work, where I need to be able to think on my feet, listen to people talking and think of intelligent things to say.   It also made me incredibly short tempered, I was struggling to cope with everything, so had no patience for people making mistakes, not thinking for themselves or doing a good job.  I was still doing a good job despite the fact I was coping with depression, a toddler, a travelling husband, so why can't others do a good job.

Sleep is also an important issue when you are depressed, I've swung between sleeping really badly and wanting to sleep 24/7, neither of which have helped me feel better.

The main thing I feel when depressed is useless, rubbish, a bit crap, waste of space.  I'm unable to make a decision, even if it's just about what to have for lunch.  I'm too scared of getting it wrong, even when getting it wrong has no consequences.  I focus on the negatives, the one things I do wrong in a day overshadows everything else I do that I don't get wrong.   I don't lose my season ticket for 10 years, I do one weekend and that means I'm always losing it and always useless.    I feel like I am always letting people down, my husband, my parents, my boss, my daughter, even when I'm not.   I have sat in bed in tears every evening because I feel like I am letting everyone down and getting everything wrong because I'm rubbish.

The last issue about depression is food.   Now this is another area where everyone is different, with me it is overeating.   Food is a "treat", it will make me happy, especially if it's chocolate, cake, crisps...........  but the happiness only lasts moments and then for a long time I feel uphappy about my weight, and guilt about over eating.  

The ironic thing is that I enjoy exercising, I feel so amazing after a run, but I don't get time to do it. 

If you are someone who is strong, who is the type to get depressed because you are a coper, but you feel liek you are not coping, that it is all a mask and something is going to break soon, then I definitely recommend you read Depressive illness - curse of the strong by Dr Tim Cantopher, curse of the strong - amazon

Thank you for bearing with me, please comment I would love to know what you think, whether you agree, disagree, or couldn't give a monkeys

Blogging - Day One

Gosh, the pressure suddenly builds to say something witty and insightful, that might come in time, but in the mean time you might have to wade through the mundane, and at time appalling written.

Today has been a good day, depression wise, I've felt more like me again.  If you've ever had depression hopefully you know what I mean, if you haven't, just ignore the next bit.   The head fog has cleared, I've over the worst of the prozac side effects.  Today was a day for winding down the window and singing along to "The Power of Love" (Back to the future-tastic).   I know it won't always be good days, there will be more down days, especially once I'm back at work.  In the mean time I've had an amazing few days with my daughter.

I never cease to be amazed by toddler logic and the ability to go from happy to sad and back again in minutes.  I wish I could be like that, the emotions are all so genuine.   Although we are reaching the point that if mummy says no to an ice cream, then she goes off to ask daddy.  It must be lovely to two, if you are hungry you ask for food, if you are tired you go to sleep; if you want to dance you dance, you don't care what anyone thinks.   When do we lose that innocence, when do you starting worrying about what anyone else thinks.   When do you start feeling guilt about eating chocolate rather than just feeling badly done to that you're not allowed Easter egg for breakfast.

Right time for bed, back in the office tomorrow, and then a night out, like a grown up person rather than a person who watches too much Peppa Pig

Allow me to introduce myself

I want to take a few minutes to introduce myself.  I've never written a blog before (god, this sounds like a bad love letter), but I used to enjoy writing, and it would be good to try again.

So here is my personal ad:

30 something, married mum of one, GSOH, WLTM other bloggers.  Must like intelligent conversation, sharing a laugh and not taking themselves too seriously.

Please join me.

As well as talking about the trials and tribulations of working motherhood, I want to talk about mental health.  I suffer from depression, I take anti-depressants, I have counselling.  It helps me to talk about it and it might help someone else if they read it.