I will apologise now for stealing a title from a magazine article I once read. I often feel like a bit of a fraud having depression. I have a good life, I had a good childhood, my parents are lovely and were supportive, they seemed to expect a lot from me, but I'm not sure if they did or I just thought they did. I did well at school, I had friends, though I was never Miss Popular. Then I went to a good university, graduated and got a good job in the City. I met a nice man, got married in my mid twenties and am still married. Two years ago I had a beautiful little girl who I adore and seems to like me. I still have a good job, a nice home and a good relationship with my husband and my parents.
So why am I depressed? Honestly, I don't know. This is why I feel such a fraud. I should be happy, I should be content, but the problem is whatever I'm doing I should be doing it better. I should be a better employee, I should be a better manager, I should be a better mother, I should be a better wife and I should be a better friend. Despite everything I've done, I should be doing it better, I feel like I'm letting everyone down. It got tough when I was working 12 hour days, I was on the 0557 train in the morning, worked hard, but came home for 6pm, put my daughter to bed and then worked again for a few hours. And I had to work a few hours at the weekend. I felt like I couldn't give enough to work or to home. But then this sounds like excuses, I should just suck it up and get on with things. This is my lot and ending up with depression as a result is ridiculous, lots of people work hard, lots of people have families, so why can they cope and I can't. It's because I'm weak, and despite my good life I just ruin things and make a mess of it.
Would you put this much pressure on someone else to do everything perfectly? Why are you doing this to yourself? If you are too depressed to enjoy your life, is it a good life? What do you like about your life? Is there anything that you do like about yourself? No matter how good life is if you don't love yourself, life will never be good enough and neither will you.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comment, it is interesting. If you don't mind I might use it as the basis for another blog
ReplyDeleteIt sounds to me like you need to give something up, and make way for what's really important in your life. You've taken too much on from what I read here.
ReplyDeleteI hope you get this sorted soon.
CJ xx
That's a lot of work. A lot. You can't help but be worn down by working 12+ hours every day, even if you're not also a parent on top of that! Seriously, the world is not full of people going through that and coping with no problems. Weak has nothing to do with it! I once read something that's stuck with me throughout all my own struggles with depression - the people who get depressed are the strong ones, the ones who don't give themselves permission to quit impossible tasks until they actually break down.
ReplyDeleteDepression lies. Always. You don't have to do all that in order to be a worthy person.