The side effects of Prozac have been interesting, the most startling one is the dreams. Does anyone else have Prozac dreams? They are very vivid, very intricate and I wake up shattered.
I'm sure dreams mean things, but no idea what mine mean. They all seem to involve travelling, planes, trains and automobiles, but I never get where I'm going. One of the big problems, is that I wake up shattered, I'm exhausted before the day has started. I'm already halving my dose of prozac and the dreams haven't subsided. Anyone know how long it will be before they disappear?
Showing posts with label prozac. Show all posts
Showing posts with label prozac. Show all posts
Friday, 6 April 2012
Thursday, 5 May 2011
Parenthood, working parenthood and depression - guiltier than the guilty
I was planning to blog about parenthood as well as depression, so I really ought to mention parenthood, as well as the endless ramblings about depression.
First a bit of background, my daughter is 2 and a bit. She is beautiful, I love her more than I have ever loved anyone or anything in my life, she amazes me, enthrals me and at times frustrates me. I love seeing her learn new things, she is like a sponge, she picks up everything so quickly (especially the things you hope she hadn't heard). And she has her opinions on things, today's was that Mummy isn't very good at jumping, and I'll be fair she has a point.
The one thing I don't think I expected in parenthood is the guilt. It's endless, am I good mum? Am i giving her the right things to eat? Do I give her enough attention? Am I smothering her? Is she spoilt? Is she neglected? I think most parents must worry if they are doing things right, if you have depression then it is amplified. Depression makes you feel like you do the simplest things badly, whether it is making a cup of tea or ringing the doctor to make an appointment. Now imagine how you dealing with something that everyone feels they are doing badly anyway. I want to do the best for her, but just feel I am incapable of it. Then I worry I over compensate and give her too many treats, buy her too many toys and let her watch too much TV.
Just to add another layer of guilt I am a working mum, I work full time in insurance in the City. I enjoy my job, I have been ambitious and I have been relatively successful. I have a good degree, until I became a mum, my personal worth and success was very closely linked to professional success (and clearly that has gone wrong and lead to previous Prozac episodes). Suddenly the guilt increases exponentially. Not only am I letting my daughter down, being a selfish, self obsessed working mother who only cares about her career and palms her daughter off to strangers to look after (yes I know how the Daily Mail would describe me). But I also feel like a bad employee, I can't work late, I need to get home to sort out childcare, I can't always come in early. Some days I am tired in daughter has had a bad night (somehow I never felt that guilty when I was tired because I had been out partying 'til late). I feel guilty because I can't dedicate myself to work as much as I used to. To make up for it I have to put my daughter in front of Peppa Pig so I can talk to clients on the phone (hence the TV guilt). And once my daughter is in bed, out comes the laptop so I can carry on working til midnight, before being up again at 530 to get the early train into work again. That is when I get a few minutes to myself to sit there working as tears roll down my face, because that day I've let down my daughter, not spending enough time with her, let down my colleagues, because I'm not pulling my weight at work, and letting down everyone else in my life because I have no time at all for them.
I hate it when people say to me "I don't know you do it", I'll tell you how I do it, I'm knackered, unhappy, unfit, overweight and on Prozac. But that's me, the big success story.
First a bit of background, my daughter is 2 and a bit. She is beautiful, I love her more than I have ever loved anyone or anything in my life, she amazes me, enthrals me and at times frustrates me. I love seeing her learn new things, she is like a sponge, she picks up everything so quickly (especially the things you hope she hadn't heard). And she has her opinions on things, today's was that Mummy isn't very good at jumping, and I'll be fair she has a point.
The one thing I don't think I expected in parenthood is the guilt. It's endless, am I good mum? Am i giving her the right things to eat? Do I give her enough attention? Am I smothering her? Is she spoilt? Is she neglected? I think most parents must worry if they are doing things right, if you have depression then it is amplified. Depression makes you feel like you do the simplest things badly, whether it is making a cup of tea or ringing the doctor to make an appointment. Now imagine how you dealing with something that everyone feels they are doing badly anyway. I want to do the best for her, but just feel I am incapable of it. Then I worry I over compensate and give her too many treats, buy her too many toys and let her watch too much TV.
Just to add another layer of guilt I am a working mum, I work full time in insurance in the City. I enjoy my job, I have been ambitious and I have been relatively successful. I have a good degree, until I became a mum, my personal worth and success was very closely linked to professional success (and clearly that has gone wrong and lead to previous Prozac episodes). Suddenly the guilt increases exponentially. Not only am I letting my daughter down, being a selfish, self obsessed working mother who only cares about her career and palms her daughter off to strangers to look after (yes I know how the Daily Mail would describe me). But I also feel like a bad employee, I can't work late, I need to get home to sort out childcare, I can't always come in early. Some days I am tired in daughter has had a bad night (somehow I never felt that guilty when I was tired because I had been out partying 'til late). I feel guilty because I can't dedicate myself to work as much as I used to. To make up for it I have to put my daughter in front of Peppa Pig so I can talk to clients on the phone (hence the TV guilt). And once my daughter is in bed, out comes the laptop so I can carry on working til midnight, before being up again at 530 to get the early train into work again. That is when I get a few minutes to myself to sit there working as tears roll down my face, because that day I've let down my daughter, not spending enough time with her, let down my colleagues, because I'm not pulling my weight at work, and letting down everyone else in my life because I have no time at all for them.
I hate it when people say to me "I don't know you do it", I'll tell you how I do it, I'm knackered, unhappy, unfit, overweight and on Prozac. But that's me, the big success story.
Wednesday, 4 May 2011
Prozac - the feel normal again drug
The first thing I need to say is that I am not a doctor or a pharmacist, so I what say is personal experience and has no basis in science, so don't take it as advice.
This is the second time I've been on prozac, or as I'm in the UK and on the NHS I'm on the generic fluoxetine. The wiki details are below.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fluoxetine
I was very nervous the first time the doctor recommended fluoxetine, I had lots of preconceptions about it being addictive and having sedative side effects. I have to be honest the first time I took it I didn't really notice the side effects as I felt so down and I wasn't working. This time round I have really felt the side effects. First the negative ones:
- shakes - my hands really started to tremble, I remember being in a really important meeting and having to sit on my hands as they were shaking so much.
- head fog - while the head fog was bad with depression, it was worse with the tablets, I really did lost the ability to concentrate for a few weeks
- loss of libido - but personal this one, but I have lost all interest in "personal relations", doesn't really help the marriage, but I am completely ambivalent about it
The one upside
- loss of appetite - I lost 3lbs the first week I was on fluoxetine, it was fab,
The one thing I have to say is that none of the side effects last forever, I don't think I really have any now, maybe apart from the libido thing (and I do miss that a bit).
Many people describe anti-depressants as happy pills, they really aren't. I would describe them as "feel normal again pills", feeling happy is a whole different ball game. What they do allow you to do is start to deal with normal life again. They've allowed me to make decisions what to eat in restaurants, to be able to do my job (and do it well), to be able to believe I'm not rubbish at every turn. I don't cry every evening after I've put my daughter to bed because i feel like I've let everyone in my life down. They bring me up to a level or normality so I can cope with day to day life.
The last thing I should add is that in relation my concerns, after the inital side effect pase, which is fairly rubbish, the pills have not been addictive, and they have not dulled my senses. They have helped me get my life back, I can feel the old me emerging from the fog, although sometimes the fog gets a little thicker and I disappear again.
This is the second time I've been on prozac, or as I'm in the UK and on the NHS I'm on the generic fluoxetine. The wiki details are below.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fluoxetine
I was very nervous the first time the doctor recommended fluoxetine, I had lots of preconceptions about it being addictive and having sedative side effects. I have to be honest the first time I took it I didn't really notice the side effects as I felt so down and I wasn't working. This time round I have really felt the side effects. First the negative ones:
- shakes - my hands really started to tremble, I remember being in a really important meeting and having to sit on my hands as they were shaking so much.
- head fog - while the head fog was bad with depression, it was worse with the tablets, I really did lost the ability to concentrate for a few weeks
- loss of libido - but personal this one, but I have lost all interest in "personal relations", doesn't really help the marriage, but I am completely ambivalent about it
The one upside
- loss of appetite - I lost 3lbs the first week I was on fluoxetine, it was fab,
The one thing I have to say is that none of the side effects last forever, I don't think I really have any now, maybe apart from the libido thing (and I do miss that a bit).
Many people describe anti-depressants as happy pills, they really aren't. I would describe them as "feel normal again pills", feeling happy is a whole different ball game. What they do allow you to do is start to deal with normal life again. They've allowed me to make decisions what to eat in restaurants, to be able to do my job (and do it well), to be able to believe I'm not rubbish at every turn. I don't cry every evening after I've put my daughter to bed because i feel like I've let everyone in my life down. They bring me up to a level or normality so I can cope with day to day life.
The last thing I should add is that in relation my concerns, after the inital side effect pase, which is fairly rubbish, the pills have not been addictive, and they have not dulled my senses. They have helped me get my life back, I can feel the old me emerging from the fog, although sometimes the fog gets a little thicker and I disappear again.
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