Monday, 16 April 2012

A physical mess

Well, a while ago I posted about getting fit and healthy.  It's not gone well, I've gained weight, I'm unfit and I can't stop eating.  I just want comfort food.  Some weeks I do well, I don't eat too much and I lay off the wine.  But this week, like some other weeks, I'm eating lots of chocolates, biscuits and having a couple of glasses of wine in the evening and I don't get round to doing any exercise.  I am a waste of space, I'm turning into one big fat blob.   I lack will power, I'm my own worse enemy.

I've done so many different options, I'm currently signed up for Weightwatchers, am thinking about doing various different NLP type treatments.  If weight loss was linked to the amount you spend on the problem I would look like Kate Moss.  What the hell do I do to get out of this?

Wednesday, 11 April 2012

Embarassing illnesses

I really love the "time to talk" campaign, but I still find it really tough to do.  I find it very hard to admit to people I have depression.  It's a sign of weakness, and I don't do weakness in public.   But interesting things have been happening recently.  A couple of my friends mentioned that they were finding things tough, I told them about the depression.  Two things happened that I wasn't expecting, firstly I'd always suspected that they secretly knew what was going on, but just didn't want to say anything.  Turns out they were genuinely surprised, they just thought I was coping with everything.  Secondly me admitting my weaknesses seemed to be a catalyst for everyone else admitting they weren't coping.  They became better friends as a result.  I probably wasn't ready to share with them when I was at rock bottom, but sharing when I was on the way back up turned out to be a good thing.

But I'm not going to go mad on this sharing thing, I did a management course at work, and the one adjective everyone kept using about me was confident.  That wasn't expected, looks like the mask is still working when I need it.

Friday, 6 April 2012

Prozac dreams

The side effects of Prozac have been interesting, the most startling one is the dreams.  Does anyone else have Prozac dreams?  They are very vivid, very intricate and I wake up shattered. 

I'm sure dreams mean things, but no idea what mine mean.  They all seem to involve travelling, planes, trains and automobiles, but I never get where I'm going.  One of the big problems, is that I wake up shattered, I'm exhausted before the day has started.  I'm already halving my dose of prozac and the dreams haven't subsided.  Anyone know how long it will be before they disappear?

Thursday, 5 April 2012

Seeing depression in others

I'm feeling a lot better now.  I'm stronger, happier and looking foward to the future.

But now I'm struggling to support others with depression, and in the worst possible scenario, when they won't admit it.  It is always dangerous to try and diagnose it in others, I worry that I'm projecting. However, when I can see others exhibiting the same behaviours that I did, then I worry.  I can see someone who is lethargic, eating too much, drinking too much, no interest in the people around them and their self confidence has disappeared.  I've tried being supportive, I've tried being sympathetic, but it's not worked.   I could try tough love, but it feels like a dangerous strategy.  I don't want to see what rock bottom looks like, it scares me.

I'm also getting angry, I put so much work and effort into getting better, I got help, I took tablets, I went to counselling.  I'm starting to feel that if they won't do that, then it's being selfish, they don't care enough about me to take the same actions. 

Any bright ideas on what to do for the best?