Going round in circles

Sometimes I don’t think I’ll ever learn.  My spiral into my most recent depression was accelerated by having a lot on at work, feeling stressed and just taking on more and more work in order to prove to people I could do it.   In the end I just couldn’t do everything, I worried about letting people down, I worried that they would think less of me, they would realise I was as rubbish as I knew I was.  So I just had to keep working to hide the fact that underneath I was rubbish.   In the end I would work all day and all evening.  I had to take an hour out to put my daughter to bed, I would then lie on her bedroom floor crying because I couldn’t work out what to do next and how to get out of the hole I was in.   In the end I got out as when I got signed off work, and finally quit my job and took what is meant to be a less stressful role.  Severe depression called for some drastic steps.

So now to the present day, I’m in the new job.   I can see the cycle repeating, I am volunteering to take on lots of work, I want to show everyone I can do well.   However, I’m starting to reach that point where I have too much to, I’m not quite sure how it’s going to get done in the time I have available.   But this time I am conscious of the cycle and I can see the way its heading, so I can try and stop it before the problem beyond repair.   I’ve been reading about mindfulness, so I try to stop and think about what I am doing and how I can get out of the circle.  Unlike last time, I now ask for help.  Other people want to be involved and are happy to help, so it might not be a negative mark against me to ask.   I beginning to realise I don’t have to do it all on my own.  Maybe at times I can learn.

Moving forward

Well I've made some big decision, and life is moving forward.  As I've talking abut previously life was stressful and I had to do something about it.  I quit my job.  This is scary, it was very well paid, I was good at it, and I had a lot of friends there.  But it was a tough job, and involved a long commute, something had to give, and that coudln't be my health any longer.  I was tired of spending evenings crying, of having to pull myself together just before I walked into a meeting.  I want to be me again, I want to have a laugh and a giggle; I want to be a little bit scary in meetings, without literally shaking under the desk; I want to get that bounce in my step back.  I can't do that while exhausted and I can't do that when I have no self confidence.

I do have a new job, so I'm not opting out of the world completely, but the plan is it will be less demanding.  It should be a shorter commute, and give me some of my life back.  But given my lack of confidence, it is very, very scary.  I don't know anyone in the new place, I don't have any friends there.  I don't know who is nice and who is nasty, who to trust and who to avoid.  I don't quite know what the job involves or if I can do it.   But I have to make this leap if I'm going to get me back, here goes..........................................

Depression - what does it feel like

Haven't posted for a little while, what with Easter, royal weddings and endless bank holidays.  But I'm back now and will have lots of time to blog going forward.   I'm not sure if anyone will read it, but it's quite theraputic just writing.

It's really hard for people who don't have depression to understand what it feels like.  The word depressed is overused, so it is understandable that people don't differentiate between that and true clinical depression.

I should probably add the caveat that depression feels different for everyone, so if you also suffer from depression you'll be sat there saying that's not right.  This is my experience of depression, it might help someone understand, even if you think "stop whinging woman" it's a start and means someone has read it!

Depression feels like a head fog, it feels like someone has put cotton wool around your brain and dulls all your senses.   You slow down, reactions are slower, both physically and mentally.   At the worst I've had to stop driving because I didn't feel safe and that I couldn't react quickly enough if there was an issue.  This is also a hinderance at work, where I need to be able to think on my feet, listen to people talking and think of intelligent things to say.   It also made me incredibly short tempered, I was struggling to cope with everything, so had no patience for people making mistakes, not thinking for themselves or doing a good job.  I was still doing a good job despite the fact I was coping with depression, a toddler, a travelling husband, so why can't others do a good job.

Sleep is also an important issue when you are depressed, I've swung between sleeping really badly and wanting to sleep 24/7, neither of which have helped me feel better.

The main thing I feel when depressed is useless, rubbish, a bit crap, waste of space.  I'm unable to make a decision, even if it's just about what to have for lunch.  I'm too scared of getting it wrong, even when getting it wrong has no consequences.  I focus on the negatives, the one things I do wrong in a day overshadows everything else I do that I don't get wrong.   I don't lose my season ticket for 10 years, I do one weekend and that means I'm always losing it and always useless.    I feel like I am always letting people down, my husband, my parents, my boss, my daughter, even when I'm not.   I have sat in bed in tears every evening because I feel like I am letting everyone down and getting everything wrong because I'm rubbish.

The last issue about depression is food.   Now this is another area where everyone is different, with me it is overeating.   Food is a "treat", it will make me happy, especially if it's chocolate, cake, crisps...........  but the happiness only lasts moments and then for a long time I feel uphappy about my weight, and guilt about over eating.  

The ironic thing is that I enjoy exercising, I feel so amazing after a run, but I don't get time to do it. 

If you are someone who is strong, who is the type to get depressed because you are a coper, but you feel liek you are not coping, that it is all a mask and something is going to break soon, then I definitely recommend you read Depressive illness - curse of the strong by Dr Tim Cantopher, curse of the strong - amazon

Thank you for bearing with me, please comment I would love to know what you think, whether you agree, disagree, or couldn't give a monkeys