Tuesday, 3 May 2011

Depression - what does it feel like

Haven't posted for a little while, what with Easter, royal weddings and endless bank holidays.  But I'm back now and will have lots of time to blog going forward.   I'm not sure if anyone will read it, but it's quite theraputic just writing.

It's really hard for people who don't have depression to understand what it feels like.  The word depressed is overused, so it is understandable that people don't differentiate between that and true clinical depression.

I should probably add the caveat that depression feels different for everyone, so if you also suffer from depression you'll be sat there saying that's not right.  This is my experience of depression, it might help someone understand, even if you think "stop whinging woman" it's a start and means someone has read it!

Depression feels like a head fog, it feels like someone has put cotton wool around your brain and dulls all your senses.   You slow down, reactions are slower, both physically and mentally.   At the worst I've had to stop driving because I didn't feel safe and that I couldn't react quickly enough if there was an issue.  This is also a hinderance at work, where I need to be able to think on my feet, listen to people talking and think of intelligent things to say.   It also made me incredibly short tempered, I was struggling to cope with everything, so had no patience for people making mistakes, not thinking for themselves or doing a good job.  I was still doing a good job despite the fact I was coping with depression, a toddler, a travelling husband, so why can't others do a good job.

Sleep is also an important issue when you are depressed, I've swung between sleeping really badly and wanting to sleep 24/7, neither of which have helped me feel better.

The main thing I feel when depressed is useless, rubbish, a bit crap, waste of space.  I'm unable to make a decision, even if it's just about what to have for lunch.  I'm too scared of getting it wrong, even when getting it wrong has no consequences.  I focus on the negatives, the one things I do wrong in a day overshadows everything else I do that I don't get wrong.   I don't lose my season ticket for 10 years, I do one weekend and that means I'm always losing it and always useless.    I feel like I am always letting people down, my husband, my parents, my boss, my daughter, even when I'm not.   I have sat in bed in tears every evening because I feel like I am letting everyone down and getting everything wrong because I'm rubbish.

The last issue about depression is food.   Now this is another area where everyone is different, with me it is overeating.   Food is a "treat", it will make me happy, especially if it's chocolate, cake, crisps...........  but the happiness only lasts moments and then for a long time I feel uphappy about my weight, and guilt about over eating.  

The ironic thing is that I enjoy exercising, I feel so amazing after a run, but I don't get time to do it. 

If you are someone who is strong, who is the type to get depressed because you are a coper, but you feel liek you are not coping, that it is all a mask and something is going to break soon, then I definitely recommend you read Depressive illness - curse of the strong by Dr Tim Cantopher, curse of the strong - amazon

Thank you for bearing with me, please comment I would love to know what you think, whether you agree, disagree, or couldn't give a monkeys

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