Monday, 16 May 2011

Depression - what does it feel like - part deux

I'm finding it so hard to explain how I'm feeling.  I'm really struggling to explain how I'm feeling especially to some of those close to me.  There's a few key things I need to explain:

 - I have depression, I am not depressed about something, it's not just a question of fixing the one thing that's broken and everything being OK
 - I've tried snapping out of it, getting over it, moving on; you pick your euphemism.  Telling me that really doesn't help, and often just makes me feel worse
- Because I'm not depressed about "something", when I'm having a bad day, don't ask me what triggered it, don't try to fix it for me.  The best thing you can do is give me space, I know that will feel like rejection and like I'm pushing you away, but a nap or a long bath will do me the world of good
- Some of my depression stems from the fact that I feel useless, crap, rubbish and lazy, telling me I'm not won't suddenly fix everything.  I won't believe you, I'll just think it's pity and you're being nice because you feel sorry for me
- Counselling helps, we might talk about the same thing a few times, it because I need to go over it in my head.   See the point above, my counsellor telling me I'm not rubbish etc, doesn't work either.  The person that needs convincing is me.  I'm an intelligent person, therefore it takes a lot to convince me of something.  
- I know I'm not being logical, I know it doesn't make sense, I am fully aware of that, I'm trying to make sense of it, you're just going to have to give me time.

I hope that helps you understand depression.  I understand you will never fully know what I'm going through, but I want to help you know what I am feeling, when it sounds non-sensical, that's because it is.


  1. Its true. Sometimes kind words form someone "trying to help" stings a bit as though they expect some sort of positive response that isn't warranted because its not like that.
    My boyfriend tells me "don't cry" and I want to take a cast iron frying pan to his head sometimes... LET ME CRY IT OUT! But if I am not too consumed by my affliction I try and appreciate the attention. At least he's *trying*... sort of.

  2. Hello thanks for writing this . I'm so very familiar with all you say. MyMan has had depression since 2002. I had to learn the hard way that there is nothing I can do or say that will help. All I can do is be there for when he does want to talk. it is exhausting for both of us.
    I've made a new separate life for myself as a 'Depression Widow'. Some rare days which are few and far between MyMan that I married near 40 yrs ago peeks out at me. I miss him. But am now getting used to living with the new version!
    Blogging and Bridge have been a life saver for me. And MyMan prefers that I get out to enjoy myself as much as possible. Partly due to the fact he wants to shut himself away in isolation - withdrawn from the world - even though he feels 'lonely'. I also have periods of depression but not DEPRESSION. My depression is due to the circumstances we find ourselves in. My depression can usually be lifted by 'not thinking', 'pulling myself together' and getting on with some silly lighthearted distraction or a demanding game of bridge. It isn't the same as the BLACK DOG - mine is more a sadness.

  3. Very spot on. I've been through depression twice, but in my case it seems to be more of a chemical thing - only a tiny bit of counceling needed, along with some meds and I'm ok. First time I was on prozac for a year and the second time on citalopram for 6 months. I never want to stay on them for a long period of time, but I know that whenever I feel like the black hole's about to swallow me up again, I'm calling my doc for a new prescription :)