First thing I want to clarify is that when I talked about libido earlier, I talked about being ambivalent. I just want to clarify it is the "personal relationships" that I am ambivalent about, rather than the marriage, which I am still quite keen on. Just wanted to clarify that :)
I have big issues with my weight, to reassure you I'm not one of those thin people going "oh no look at my cellulite", where they've just accidentally just leant on a piece of orange peel. I'm 5'6, weight 12 stone 8 lbs (176 lbs), BMI of around 30, and since pregnancy I carry a lot of around my tummy. Put it this way, I still get offered a seat on the tube quite regularly. I would like to be thinner, not Kate Moss thin, maybe not even Kate Middleton thin, Kate Winslet thin would do me. I want to be able to wear nicer clothes. But most importantly, when people look at me I want their first impression to be "she looks nice", not "she looks fat/ messy/ scruffy." I have significant issues worrying about people think of me, and in particular the first impressions they get from my physical appearance. I believe that people see me as fat/ scruffy/ messy and read this through to mean I am lazy/ stupid/ worthless. I assume they see Waynetta Slob and think of me in that way. Therefore I have to work harder, prove myself more, be cleverer, be more valuable to prove that being fat doesn't limit me.
There is a simple reason why I am not thin, I eat too much. I eat too much of the wrong thing; crisps, chocolate, cake, Chinese, curry, chips, and then there's the evening glass of wine. So why do I eat? The reasons are numerous, I eat when I'm bored, I eat when I'm happy, I eat when I'm happy, I eat to reward myself when things are going well, I eat to reward myself when things are going badly. You probably get the impression now, I like eating. But actually I don't, it makes me feel good for a new moments while I am eating, but then I feel guilty and I feel fat and I feel a lot worse for a lot longer.
The only thing I am finding I do enjoy is exercise, I enjoy it when I do it, but getting off my arse to do it is always a struggle. It's always easier to sit on the sofa, watch telly and eat another biscuit. But I am starting to do some exercise, I always feel better for doing it, the fresh air and alone time do do me some good. It's nice to feel like I'm doing something positive, although I do manage to add a little layer of guilt on it. I feel bad that buying going out to do exercise, I'm not spending time with my daughter. I should feel like I am being a good role model, but I always find new and interesting ways to feel guilty.
So here today I want to make my commitment, I want to lose weight, I want to reach 10 and a half stone (147 pounds) by the end of the year, and I want to be able to run 5km in under 35 minutes by the end of September. Let's see how I get on.