Monday, 9 May 2011

Fat bird running

First thing I want to clarify is that when I talked about libido earlier, I talked about being ambivalent.  I just want to clarify it is the "personal relationships" that I am ambivalent about, rather than the marriage, which I am still quite keen on.  Just wanted to clarify that :)

I have big issues with my weight, to reassure you I'm not one of those thin people going "oh no look at my cellulite", where they've just accidentally just leant on a piece of orange peel.  I'm 5'6, weight 12 stone 8 lbs (176 lbs), BMI of around 30, and since pregnancy I carry a lot of around my tummy.  Put it this way, I still get offered a seat on the tube quite regularly.  I would like to be thinner, not Kate Moss thin, maybe not even Kate Middleton thin, Kate Winslet thin would do me.  I want to be able to wear nicer clothes.  But most importantly, when people look at me I want their first impression to be "she looks nice", not "she looks fat/ messy/ scruffy."   I have significant issues worrying about people think of me, and in particular the first impressions they get from my physical appearance.  I believe that people see me as fat/ scruffy/ messy and read this through to mean I am lazy/ stupid/ worthless.   I assume they see Waynetta Slob and think of me in that way.  Therefore I have to work harder, prove myself more, be cleverer, be more valuable to prove that being fat doesn't limit me.

There is a simple reason why I am not thin, I eat too much.  I eat too much of the wrong thing; crisps, chocolate, cake, Chinese, curry, chips, and then there's the evening glass of wine.  So why do I eat?  The reasons are numerous, I eat when I'm bored, I eat when I'm happy, I eat when I'm happy, I eat to reward myself when things are going well, I eat to reward myself when things are going badly.   You probably get the impression now, I like eating.  But actually I don't, it makes me feel good for a new moments while I am eating, but then I feel guilty and I feel fat and I feel a lot worse for a lot longer.  

The only thing I am finding I do enjoy is exercise, I enjoy it when I do it, but getting off my arse to do it is always a struggle.  It's always easier to sit on the sofa, watch telly and eat another biscuit.  But I am starting to do some exercise, I always feel better for doing it, the fresh air and alone time do do me some good.   It's nice to feel like I'm doing something positive, although I do manage to add a little layer of guilt on it.  I feel bad that buying going out to do exercise, I'm not spending time with my daughter.   I should feel like I am being a good role model, but I always find new and interesting ways to feel guilty.

So here today I want to make my commitment, I want to lose weight, I want to reach 10 and a half stone (147 pounds) by the end of the year, and I want to be able to run 5km in under 35 minutes by the end of September.  Let's see how I get on.


  1. Hi Maggie!
    Just found you through BMB, I've not been blogging long either, so it,s all a bit new to me. Read through your blog and think your very strong to be blogging about your issues, and to be honest just getting up every day! I haven't got depression but still worry about being a good mother, wife, boss etc, so I can't imagine how it is for you! Well done for being so honest, will be following your blog! Nat

  2. Nat, thank you for your lovely post, glad to know the worry is not just me