I will apologise now for stealing a title from a magazine article I once read. I often feel like a bit of a fraud having depression. I have a good life, I had a good childhood, my parents are lovely and were supportive, they seemed to expect a lot from me, but I'm not sure if they did or I just thought they did. I did well at school, I had friends, though I was never Miss Popular. Then I went to a good university, graduated and got a good job in the City. I met a nice man, got married in my mid twenties and am still married. Two years ago I had a beautiful little girl who I adore and seems to like me. I still have a good job, a nice home and a good relationship with my husband and my parents.
So why am I depressed? Honestly, I don't know. This is why I feel such a fraud. I should be happy, I should be content, but the problem is whatever I'm doing I should be doing it better. I should be a better employee, I should be a better manager, I should be a better mother, I should be a better wife and I should be a better friend. Despite everything I've done, I should be doing it better, I feel like I'm letting everyone down. It got tough when I was working 12 hour days, I was on the 0557 train in the morning, worked hard, but came home for 6pm, put my daughter to bed and then worked again for a few hours. And I had to work a few hours at the weekend. I felt like I couldn't give enough to work or to home. But then this sounds like excuses, I should just suck it up and get on with things. This is my lot and ending up with depression as a result is ridiculous, lots of people work hard, lots of people have families, so why can they cope and I can't. It's because I'm weak, and despite my good life I just ruin things and make a mess of it.